He’s not here.

We humans spend so much time unhappy while on this planet. Often we don’t even know what it is that makes us feel that way. What is it that causes the pain and suffering? What causes the grumpiness and meanness we treat others and ourselves with? I hypothesize that it’s due to unresolved conflicts. Allow me to clarify that I’m referring mainly to those of us who have been blessed with our basic needs. Needs such as food, water, a safe home, love, etc.

Birthdays aren’t always a happy time for me. I never understood why. There are those around me that fill my life with light and love while striving to make my birthdays a happy time. Sometimes they succeed. Other times not so much and during other times they succeed for a short amount of measurable time. After that I put on my happy face to help THEM be happy and with time I get back to my joyous self.

I never understood this until today. Why if I’m so happy to be alive (a truth that was not always the case) am I so unhappy during the time set aside to celebrate my existence?

Daddy isn’t here. That’s why. It hit me while talking to a dear and true friend. Daddy hasn’t been here for 12 years. He doesn’t know who I’ve become. He can’t tell me what he thinks. He can’t hug me and say “I’m proud of you son”. Though I know he does know who I’ve become and is proud of who I am and strive to be…I don’t hear it. I don’t feel the raspiness of his beard brushing against my cheek while he hugs me and says what I’ve yearned to hear for so many years. “I’m proud of you Juan Carlos”.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get passed this. If my birthday time will stop being a time for blues and instead become a time for inner celebration. What I do know…is that there is healing in understanding Self. I know that when I learn the why, how, when, and what that causes my suffering…with time I heal. It’s as if by simply knowing that there is a wound my Self begins to heal. Imagine bleeding, feeling pain and suffering from it. Then the mere fact that you’ve noticed the cut, learned that it was caused by paper and that it occurred while turning a page begins to heal it. That’s what I’ve learned. Knowing my wounds, learning from them, and being aware of them heals me.

Be it a lost friendship, a missed opportunity, words that went unsaid or the many, many things we bury deep inside of us…I encourage you to go in. Meditate, breathe, practice mindfulness, or simply speak with someone you trust. Whatever brings you closer to understanding Self will inevitably (with time) bring you healing.

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